Okay, so lately… I’ve been angry. Not just a little angry, really angry. When I feel angry I know there is unresolved pain in my heart. Just because I know that doesn’t mean I want to go there. And just because I teach Grief Recovery® doesn’t mean I always want to follow my own advice. Well, starting with a confession certainly helps me to feel better.
I’m traveling to visit my family soon. It didn’t seem like a big deal at all. I seemed to be procrastinating the plane ticket, yet otherwise I didn’t think about it too much. My sister is getting married. I love my sister, deeply. I love my niece and I haven’t seem them in a few years. Yes, years. Not since my wedding in 2010.
Well, then this week something happened between my husband and I and couldn’t sleep. Then something else happened and I flew off the handle. I don’t just mean a little bit, I mean a lot. Like out of my mind angry. The kind of anger where I just couldn’t see straight. I felt intense feelings of rejection and betrayal. It was beyond what the immediate situation warranted and I felt “taken out” for almost an entire day. When I have an overreaction I know it’s time to start looking inward to ask what is really going on.
Asking that question brought me to the anger and pain that I feel about the injustice of the way I was treated as a child. For the level of abuse that I suffered. There are family members that have never taken responsibility. And other family members that have blamed me for speaking out and even blamed me for being abused. That’s where the anger comes in. That somehow in their eyes I’m responsible for being abused. That feels like a slap in the face. One that I’ve been able to avoid until now.
It’s another layer of forgiveness that is difficult for me because it requires a level of trust in God that I haven’t been to yet. Forgiving for the abuse has been very challenging. Forgiving for being blamed (by someone who should have protected me) for what was done to me as a child seems ridiculously unfair. Of course it’s compounded by the fact that I already internalized the abuse as my fault. It’s like a double whammy.
Yet, somewhere in my heart is gratitude for the external triggers that are bringing to the surface the pain and betrayal still buried in my soul. I know that bitterness hidden in the heart will eventually poison the healthy parts and I’m not willing to go so far backwards. I know that walking through this layer will require something that I don’t possess and can only receive from God. I often tell people in the middle of Grief Recovery that it’s not uncommon to experience triggers in the present to help surface what is unresolved from the past. That way we know what we’re working through. This one has been especially tough for me. I guess it’s time to walk through.
Why is being angry so crazy hard to deal with? Good thing you at least know a way to think through these things and hopefully work through it too!
I wonder sometimes about the idea of forgiveness though. While I can totally relate to the mega frustration and hurt of people blaming you, it came to mind that maybe it'd be an easier middle step to at least keep in mind that basically, they are wrong?
I know it doesn't really fix the problem but i wanted to throw it out there. I'm not very good at being a heart with ears, and I thought it'd be a little nice to get comments?
I'll look forward to hearing how it plays out. =J Take care!!
I'm skeptical about the matter of forgiveness too. It is NOT part of healthy grieving if you feel pressured by God or Society to do so, or you feel guilty by not doing so. Maybe it's better to progress towards the letting go you seek by framing it as being more at peace with all the hurt and the catch-22's. As you know, meanwhile,each time there is a trigger, it's best to let another chunk of the anger surface rather than short-circuit the grief with "forgiveness." -Karen
Thank you Elizabeth. I agree with you. It does help to keep in mind that they are wrong. Forgiving helps me to let go of the bitterness, yet remembering that there is wrong here helps me to not internalize it as there is something wrong with me. Love your comments and so good to hear from you!
Thank you Karen. I appreciate your perspective. Yes, I don't want to forgive out of pressure. I want to forgive to have peace. Have a beautiful day! – Sandi