Wow, it’s been over a month since I’ve blogged. I miss writing. My husband was off for the summer and so the last month I surrendered some things so that I could enjoy the time with him. It was worth it. He’s back to work as a teacher so now I’m back to doing some of the things I missed.
I belong to a mastermind group that meets twice per month. It’s extremely helpful to have other Christians who are in business and want to do it God’s way. Yesterday, we were supporting one of the members through a difficult time. Her business is not generating the income that it once used to, the income that she really needs and understandably she’s very frustrated. I can relate. I come from a corporate background and at one time I held a high position, was part owner, and made a nice salary. Now, in building my dream, I’ve been bringing in a small portion of what I made before.
The truth is though, that when I made more money my mindset was that I just needed to make more. I adjusted my lifestyle to the higher income instead of using good judgment. I put my worth in what I made so of course it was never enough. When I lost my company, I really didn’t have anything to show for my earnings over the previous years. Just a lot of stuff and a nice car. Nothing at all really. Don’t get me wrong, I did have a heart to help people, I just figured it would happen when I got to that really high level of income. Then, I would make a difference!
One of the many painful events that I am grateful for is losing my company. It was an idol. As was money. It held my worth and my security. Idolatry is in direct conflict with love and godly success. I could never be successful or helpful to anyone by putting those things before God. I am a driven person, so I usually learn the hard way. I let go of my old company when my business partner voted me off my own Board after a dispute. It was a painful decision and at the time I felt lost and afraid. Who was I without the high position and subsequent income? I was newly married and felt like a failure. Unable to bring in the income that I was so used to I actually had to depend on my husband. That was like nails on a chalkboard for me. I hated it.
I struggled to find my identity while God gently (and sometimes strongly) directed me toward Him. I took a position with a nonprofit making far less than I had made in years. Again, God used that time to point me to the only One that could answer that burning question in my heart, “am I worthy?”. It exposed my heart that had used money and the corporate ladder to try and prove that all the abuse and neglect that I had suffered as a child were not my fault. If I could just be “successful” then I and others would know that I wasn’t as marred as I truly believed that I was. It was a space that only God could fill. It was also a space that I tried desperately to fill with anything and everything but Him.
In leaving the nonprofit, I made a clear and prayerful decision to pursue emotional healing for others. It is my passion. I teach Grief Recovery, I teach alumni classes, I counsel people individually, I speak and also do Life Coaching. And the road has been perfectly rosy….. (okay I’m being funny). The road has been hard and invigorating all at the same time. There have been times when I was crystal clear that I was going in the right direction. There have also been times that I have cried out to God in frustration asking if I am on the right path and if so would He please throw me a bone.
It’s also strengthened my faith beyond measure. It has taught me that even something as beautiful and valuable as a spiritual gift or talent can be torn down if made in to an idol. It has also shown me that the path to godly success is often the path less travelled. It has taught me to depend on God and to depend on my husband with gratitude. It’s not the easiest and it’s not necessarily the quickest, yet it produces the most fruit both eternally and here on earth. I used to believe that if I just had “more money” then I would be happy. Now, I pray to not have too much before my heart is ready. I pray to sow generously and to give no matter where I am, even if it means giving of my time.
None of this could ever have happened in me if it wasn’t for the patience and the heart of God. He knew what I needed no matter how much I asked for the contrary. He chose to break my addictive and unhealthy patterns no matter how much I pouted. I certainly have not “arrived”; however, I could never have imagined that I would be so grateful for the struggle and for the losses. Yet, I am. It didn’t come by pushing myself to be there. It came by grieving, forgiveness and lots of prayer. Fortunately God did all the rest. To Him be the glory! Amen.
