Things are not always as they seem. It’s intense if you think about it. I recently had an experience with a good friend. Someone I love and admire. It’s a mutual feeling. We have known each other for several years and have been in each others lives.
I had an experience with her where I began to feel distrustful. I felt like perhaps she was trying to take advantage of me or that she didn’t see me or value me. I felt devastated. My heart hurt. And even though I knew that it wasn’t true, I couldn’t seem to shake the feelings. I prayed through it at night and then woke up feeling even worse the next morning.
It was affecting me so much that I wasn’t able to be present. My husband got worried that something far worse was wrong, yet, it wasn’t. I left for my prayer hike and prayed through feelings, forgiveness and beliefs. Yet, even after all that prayer I still wasn’t entirely in a better place. So why the intensity of feelings? Why the pain in my heart? I was triggered. There was something about our interaction that brought up experiences from my childhood.
My childhood was very abusive; however, it was also very lonely. I was an only child until I was 7. I played by myself, entertained myself and if I was tired, I just fell asleep wherever I was. It didn’t occur to me to ask someone to help me. My parents were good providers in that they provided food and shelter, I was never hungry. Yet, emotionally I was the one they leaned on. I was the one who took on the responsibility of caring for them emotionally at my young age. I learned that by being the good daughter this way, they showed me love. I also learned not to speak up or have a voice or the love would be taken away.
All this left me feeling unseen. I felt invisible. I was horribly shy and often looked to fade in to the background, to not be noticed, not in a public sort of way. And as a young girl dying inside to be loved it also left me in a lot of pain. That was the pain that was triggered with my friend. The pain of not being seen or valued followed by the fear that if I speak up I’ll lose her love. Interestingly, none of this was true in the present moment. My friend is one of the most loyal and giving people that I know. She loves people, she loves me.
What I so appreciated about all of this is that I got to work through it with God. I was clear that my reaction went beyond the present moment (thank you Grief Recovery). It doesn’t mean that I won’t talk to my friend about the situation, it just means that it won’t have all of the fuel from my past. It exposed a hurting crevice in my heart that God needed to care for and that I needed to give to Him. It gave me an opportunity to expect good instead of a repeat of the past. To shift my thinking. Yet, that only came with acknowledging my heart. With giving my emotional waters the opportunity to speak and be heard by a loving Father who cares deeply about my pain. It helped me to see that I matter.
