As a recovering perfectionist, I fully understand the nature of perfectionism. It is an exhausting place to be. Perfectionism can morph in to nearly every area of life. From work to parenting to relationships to hobbies, to possessions to appearance, perfectionism creates an exhaustive cycle of never being enough, never doing enough and never looking good enough. On the outside, the perfectionist can look driven, with an eye for detail and an almost incomprehensible list of daily activities all done with an appearance of beauty and grace. Or a burnt out perfectionist can sit in procrastination and depression. I’ve been on both sides.
There are two sides to overcoming perfectionism. The first one starts with the grace of God. Underneath the perfectionistic behavior is almost always deep wounds typically inflicted in the early years of life. Perfectionism is usually driven by a deep sense that “something is wrong with me”. The desire to be perfect and be perceived as perfect masks what lies beneath. There are different types of wounding that can create perfectionism. Abuse is one of them. I was the recipient of sexual, verbal and physical abuse. As a child, unless someone sits the child down and says “this is not your fault” children will internalize the abuse as being their fault because in a sense the abuse is normalized. As adults those same children may look back and realize that they were not at fault, yet the internalized wounding and beliefs will still drive perfectionism. I did that. I was driven to be perfect in every way. That was because deep down I believed something was horribly wrong with me and the only way to make up for it was to act perfect, look perfect and do everything really well. I was trying to make up for the pain inside.
Another wounding that can create perfectionism is neglect or a parent that was emotionally absent or retreated as a way of punishment. As children we need love and emotional connection like we need food. If love and connection are not readily available due to neglect or a parent retreats when they are angry a child will look for ways to get love. Sometimes they will act out. Other times they will become little adults trying every way that they can to appease their caregivers so that they can be loved. This creates the internal belief that if they could just try a little harder, be a little better then perhaps they will be worthy of love. These children often become perfectionistic adults.
The first step in overcoming perfectionism is healing (this is grace). And that comes by being met with the grace of God. Perfectionists have a very hard time comprehending grace. It is very foreign. Yet, it is important to understand the deep wounds that underly the behavior. Matthew 12:20 (NIV) says “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out”. The NLT version says “He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle.” It is first important to understand that Jesus came to meet us in our pain. He sees underneath the behavior to the wound. Perfectionists are most often bruised reeds in need of love. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, to those who are crushed in spirit.” Perfectionism often overlays a crushed spirit. Hebrews 4:16 says “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The other side of perfectionism is understanding that the behavior is defiant toward God (this is truth). Hebrews 12:15 says “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Those underlying wounds create bitter roots which grow in to the behavior of perfectionism. In it’s character, perfectionism says I don’t need God because I can be perfect on my own. It also says that the perfection in job, looking good, relationship, etc carries worth and that is idolatry. It is putting something before God. It is a form of worship. Jonah 2:8 says “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” When we live in perfectionism, we idolize ourselves and miss out on the grace and love of God.
And finally, I mentioned that perfectionism is exhausting. There is always something to fix, something to make better and someone to please more. Another word for this is bondage. Perfectionism is bondage. Romans 8:19 says “For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.” God does not want us to live in a perfectionistic cycle, He desires for us to experience freedom. This can only happen when we walk through the grace of healing and the truth of character. We need both in order to overcome. And these come from God, yet require us to do our part. We must prepare for freedom by engaging in healing and being willing to look at our character and realize that we are far from perfect… and that is okay. That is why we need God.
Wishing you a beautiful and blessed day!
