The holidays are certainly a time of year that can bring up a lot of significant emotion. Considering that grief is a big part of my vocation, I really see the effects of the holiday season and it isn’t always positive. So much so, that I do free workshops this time of year just to try and help people make sense of what is happening to them.
Did you know that there is a 15% increase in people seeking treatment for emotional disorders in the month of December? That’s a significant increase. And that number only accounts for the number of people that seek treatment. My guess would be that there are several others who feel the effects, yet don’t actually seek treatment for it. So why is that? What is it about the holidays that can really hit us hard?
In Grief Recovery, we teach that there is a big myth out there called “time heals all wounds.” So often, when we go through emotional pain, we are told to just give it time and we’ll feel all better. Unfortunately, just waiting and giving something time is about as effective as pulling up a chair on the side of the road after your car has a flat tire and “waiting” for air to get back in the tire. No matter how long you sit there it just won’t happen. You have to take action in order to fix the tire and be on your way. Emotional loss is the same way. When you go through a painful experience the emotional response will stay in your body until you process it. Given that most of us don’t learn the tools to process our pain, we end up carrying this unresolved grief around with us. If we don’t take action it will stay for a lifetime.
Given this information, it stands to reason that many of us are carrying unresolved grief. There are so many different types of losses that will cause this. Childhood losses such as abuse or neglect, divorce, loss of a loved one, break up of a romantic relationship, changes in health, changes in career, loss of a pet, and the list goes on. We are usually carrying pain from several events, not just one.
Now, let’s bring on the holiday season and add that to the mix. During the holidays we are usually around family members that we aren’t interacting with during the year. This can be a major trigger for many people. We see commercials that tell us how “joyful” we should be with pictures of expensive gifts and loving families all together. For many, this can be a painful reminder of a lost loved one. Or perhaps, the reminder of a lost job, finances in crisis or just not where they should be and we’ve added more triggers. In addition, we are headed to the end of the year and for so many it is a reminder that they are not where they want to be or thought they would be by now. So remember all of that unresolved grief? It’s been brought to the surface by all the triggers that the holidays can bring.
The last part of the mix is that there is a pressure to be happy this time of year. To buy gifts to be in the holiday spirit. For so many, that means that they either have to pretend that they are okay or hide out so that they won’t be judged. It causes more stuffing of feelings and isolation. It is this mixture that creates the increase in stress, pain and people seeking treatment for emotional disorders.
I believe this is why so many people over indulge during this time of year. It’s not just to be festive. All of the over eating, drinking and over sleeping are means of escape and they tend to increase when there are so many triggers present.
So what is the solution? The first one is to be aware. Realize that you are being triggered and then accept that it hurts or that something bothers you. Don’t just stuff it away and pretend that you are okay if you’re not. The next thing is to notice your behaviors. Are you eating more, drinking more or sleeping more? Are you checked out? Ask yourself why? Why am I avoiding my feelings and what is it that I’m avoiding? Then write it down. Journaling can save your soul when you are feeling a lot. It opens up the subconscious part of the brain and allows your heart to speak, Lastly, if you are surrounded by people that trigger you, it’s important to make time to spend with people who are safe. Whether it’s a phone call, a coffee time, or a walk in the park with someone who will listen, it’s important to care for yourself that way. If you are on the other end of a friend who is triggered, then simply ask them how they’re doing, let them know that you care and then listen. Please don’t try and fix them, it will only shut them down. They need to be heard much more then they need any fixing. It will soothe their heart.
Just taking these steps will give many you a much better holiday experience.
