This past week I’ve been working on my thought patterns. What is it that I think about during the day and how does that affect me? I will say that when we are told to just “think positive” it can be discouraging. Often, if we are unresolved with pain/grief in our heart just “thinking positive” won’t really work. However, once we go through a process of healing we can then move to the next level of working on our thought life. That’s not to say that the two have to be mutually exclusive. It has just been my experience that success in positive thinking is more readily obtained by clearing the heart first.

There is scientific data that backs up how intensely we are affected by what we think. The “story” that we tell ourselves in any given situation has a great impact on our health and stress levels. Interestingly, just because we work to heal our hearts does not mean our thinking will automatically change. Our brains have built pathways that become habitual. If thinking in the negative is something we’ve done for a long time, we will continue to do so until we break the habit. And that takes work.

In this past week, just by striving to work on my thoughts I have noticed that I sleep better and have a better sense of well being. Here’s what I’ve learned so far.

1. Just because I want to change this area does not mean perfection. Even a slight increase in positive thinking makes a difference.
2. It is work. The tools to do this are not saying “I will not think negative thoughts.” That will actually set you up for failure. If you focus on “NOT” thinking negative thoughts, you will end up thinking more negative thoughts. You have to say “my goal is to think positively”.
3. Negative thoughts are often automatic. So, stopping them can be futile. However, just because you have a negative thought, you don’t have to accept it as truth. This is where the tools come in. It is healthy and good to actually argue and disprove that thought. Or counter it with a thought of gratitude.

For example, just recently, I worked on a project and due to a timeline the original project that I started had to morph in to something different. My negative thought was “I failed and it’s my fault that this project didn’t go off as planned.” Instead of accepting that I argued with it. I weighed things out and said “here is an area I could of done better in and here are things that were out of my control”. “I have the skill set to do the project differently and still meet a timeline, this is a great learning experience.”

Another example is that this week we had plumbing issues at our home. It initially looked like it was a major problem that needed a plumber. That meant a big expense and we hadn’t renewed our home warranty. My negative thoughts were, “every time we get ahead financially something happens and I’m worried about how this will affect the future.” I countered that. I thought “I’m so grateful that we are able to afford a home and afford a plumber. I’m grateful that my husband is able to try other methods to fix the problem. I’m grateful that we have running water. I’m grateful to have rich people problems.”

In both of these examples, just by taking that extra step to counter the thought, my mood and perspective changed. Yes, those negative thoughts seem true, yet most times they are not. Even if arguing a different perspective seems fake, it’s really not. It’s just a change that your brain isn’t used to.

4. And finally, the biggie that I’ve learned so far is to celebrate the victories! This is not an overnight change. It takes work because you are literally reprogramming your brain. Celebrating the victories feeds our “reward center” and helps us to feel excited and hopeful. So what if we miss it 10 times, we still did it the 1 time. And THAT makes for a huge change. When I look back and see how far I’ve come, I’m astounded.

So, remember, if you’re grieving, please honor your heart and process your pain. Don’t circumvent the process by trying to force yourself to be happy. It will shut you down. And if you are in a place of working on your thoughts, celebrate every time you see a change. It will create an environment where you will want more of that!