As someone who has experienced my share of emotional turmoil, painful abuse, and a journey of healing and dealing with my past so that I can live in the present, I certainly understand the mind and body connection. I also see it in Grief Recovery. When people come through Grief Recovery and even get a piece of emotional healing, they look and feel better physically. I know that if I’m experiencing migraines, sleeplessness, stomach issues or any host of other related physical ailments, there is most likely an underlying emotional cause.
I know that if I just “go to the doctor” to heal something like migraines, medication just doesn’t seem to do the trick. It may help to alleviate the pain in the moment; however, it does nothing to prevent the migraines from happening. I firmly believe in seeing a doctor who understands the connection. I know that I have to treat both the body and the stressful thoughts and unhealed emotions that are contributing to the problem.
What I never realized is how much boundaries play a role in this connection. It just never occurred to me. I’ve just started reading a book called “When The Body Says No” by Garbor Mate, M.D. and it is mind blowing. The book opens by talking about a woman who became seriously ill and eventually died. The first indicator was a pin prick in her finger that would not heal. Doctors tried without success to heal her body. Then the author of the book took the time to talk to her. It turns out she had grown up in abuse. Foster homes, alcoholism and younger siblings that she protected from the age of 7. She had never talked about her traumas. Not even to her husband of 20 years.
“To be self-expressive, vulnerable and questioning in her childhood would have put her at risk. Her security lay in considering other people’s feelings, never her own. She was trapped in the role forced on her as a child, unaware that she herself had the right to be taken care of, to be listened to, to be thought worthy of attention….When we have been prevented from saying no, our bodies may end up saying it for us.” (excerpt from the book “When the Body Says No” by Garbor Mate, MD).
I related to this greatly. I was sexually, physically and verbally abused as a child. I was not given or taught boundaries. I was raped multiple times. I never learned the word no. I have come a long way in boundaries since my childhood; however, I often fall in to believing that my needs, thoughts and feelings are secondary to others. That my worth is built in helping others or being responsible for them. At times to a fault. It has made me ill and I’ve had to re-evaluate much of my daily existence.
This month I’ve not been working as much. I’ve struggled with that. I’ve also not been writing as much either. Yet, surely, my health is returning. I’m feeling better. I had a conversation with my husband over something difficult and even though I didn’t feel like he was willing to hear me, I stayed vulnerable and shared my heart. It had great results.
Yet, reading this book is also showing me how important self-care is. How important the word no can be when it comes to time and energy. I surely will always have a heart to help others, I just want that to be in a way that truly helps them. Not with me somehow feeling responsible. That’s not healthy.
I’m only in the beginning of this book and already I’m excited to be learning more. More to come on this topic for sure!
