Having come from a background with a good deal of trauma, I am far too familiar with denial as a coping mechanism. Of all the coping skills I learned as a child, denial seems to be the one I have most mastered.
I learned to deny from my family. I was taught early on that when bad things happened, you just pretended that they didn’t. No matter how severe, the way to cope was to simply push it out of your head and go on with life. I became adept at blocking events out of my conscious mind and acting as though all was okay. So much so that as a young adult I didn’t even recall being molested. I didn’t remember anything before age 7.
The consequence of denial for me was quite damaging. I had to disconnect from me in order to maintain life and that took a lot of energy (and a lot of self destructive behaviors). I had no idea who I actually was. I could never live in the moment and I had no idea why. I had no purpose. I lived for other people because I was too far removed from my own life. A very different experience than how I live my life today.
Recently, I contacted a couple of groups and offered to speak for free. One of my goals is to be a public speaker and to help others through my story. After sending an email, I received a call from Bill the founder of www.naasca.org (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse). They have a nightly Internet talk radio show and he asked me to be a guest in the upcoming week. I will be on for an hour and a half. (This Friday 3/22 at 5pm). I was excited.
Yet, there was another feeling that hit me. I thought it was fear (like I was nervous) yet, it was something else. As I prayed this morning, I realized the source of that fear. I still don’t want it to be true. The abuse. I love my family, I’ve always loved them and I a small part of me still holds on to the hope that maybe it’s all just a bad dream. Even though I have the memories, the feelings and the history of going from a meth addict to a whole person. Even though I know deep in my heart that it’s all true and then some. There is that little bit of my heart that is still holding out for something different. So every time I share my story, every time I speak that little part of my heart is forced to let go of denial just a bit more. It’s amazing how deeply entrenched that coping mechanism of denial really is. It was my life line as a child. Now, it can be a stumbling block.
So today I prayed to break that agreement that I made as a child. You know, a belief system. Something I operate on. The belief or agreement that I made was simply that “it wasn’t happening”. Every time something bad happened I would tell myself that it wasn’t. I would tell myself that so much that I believed it to be true. Yet, it left me out of synch with the very reality that I needed to step back in to in order to live and have the freedom I longed for. Now today, all this time later I still needed to pray to break the foundation of lies that almost took my life.
I certainly haven’t arrived. Yet, I know that sharing the truth is a big step in continuing to let go of that which is not real. It helps me to love with honesty and calls me to forgive in ways that I cannot do on my own. I’m excited about today. I’m excited about this journey. I know that denial is not the solution. I let that go more today then yesterday as I step in to the life that God has waiting.
