On Saturday, we had our last class and celebration for the Grief Recovery Graphing God class. It was an incredible class and an intense four weeks. At the end, we celebrated with food and sharing. As people were finishing their meals, one of the participants stood up and spoke. He acknowledged me for the intensity of leading a class like this one and thanked me. He then requested that other participants do the same. They did. One by one.
As beautiful a moment as it was, it was also very uncomfortable. I found myself reminding me to take it in. To let it soak in. I was worried that people would feel like they couldn’t share about other aspects of the class, that it was too much about me, that I didn’t deserve to hear all those things. It was just plain hard.
I have a hard time receiving. I was raised to not think too highly of myself and taught that any sort of confidence was arrogance. That humility was won by turning away compliments and words of self affirmation were just not to be said or thought. I remember times as a young girl or even a young teen hearing my dad tell me that I shouldn’t think that way about me. I was embarrassed when I thought I looked pretty in a photograph and he told me not to talk like that. Or when I thought I played guitar and sang well he told me not to think so highly of myself. Then he pointed out the things I did wrong. I became afraid to try new things, afraid of failure, and learned that worth was gained by giving only. Perhaps I even learned that to receive meant I didn’t have control.
So the other day when a lady complimented my long hair, I replied, “Oh, I badly need a haircut.” Or if someone compliments my appearance I immediately think in my head that they are just being polite. Or when someone shares that I’ve touched their life in some way I try to turn the conversation back to them. If I don’t verbally dodge the incoming gift I do so in my mind.
Yesterday, I read this in the book Shift Happens by Robert Holden, Ph.D., “Genuine receiving is absolutely not what modern society is about. It is about surrender, being, the feminine, stillness, total trust, an absence of striving, gratitude, living in the moment, innocence, and wonder. Most people are just too busy to receive. Receiving is the key to giving. If you do not receive, all your giving eventually deteriorates into sacrifice. And that’s not all. When you do not receive you feel isolated, there is no synchronicity, each day is a struggle, inspiration is lacking, life is stagnant, relationships cannot blossom, you attack people for not giving to you, God feels unreal, and you play the victim. Receiving is all about letting go. To be a good receiver, you have to be willing to let go of expectations, plans, demands, control, pride, unworthiness, and addiction to struggle. Essentially put, you have to let go of your ego.“
That struck me right between the eyes. I actually feel scared when I think that someone has given to me more than I have given to them. I feel like I need to hurry up and balance the score because they will certainly use it against me at some point. That fight to be on top is exactly what the book talks about. It’s lonely.
A friend of mine recently moved out of state. A group of us had time with her and we all took turns sharing about her. She was wonderful about it. She took in each share and thanked the person. She even made comments that were well… self-confident. It was lovely to give to her because you could see her receiving the gift. She is also one of the most giving people that I know. She is full of life and bursting with joy. She is someone that I want to emulate. I want to be this way with people and with God. I pray that God helps me to start truly receiving. So that my giving will be an overflow and will not deteriorate into self made sacrifice. It’s a better way to live.
