“From a distance, the independent person cuts a striking pose. To be independent looks like power, freedom, and true strength. But it isn’t. Independence is not strength, it is a wound. Independence is inspired not by love, but fear, and not by wholeness, but aloneness. Independence is the ego’s attempt to be its own god. It is a form of arrogance that leads to much despair. The independent person always runs out of juice.” – Robert Holden, Ph.D. Shift Happens
I have run out of juice. Even though I look healthy, my body is not. I have decided to surrender and turn myself in. I cannot do it alone and I cannot ignore the warning signs. As a wonderful friend (and amazing Chiropractor and healer has told me), your check engine light has been on for a long time. You’ve just ignored it. Thank you Dr. Cindy Summers.
I have always been the picture of independence. Since I was little I have done things on my own, my own way and in my own time. When I grew up in all that abuse I made a very important decision. I decided that when I was bigger I would NEVER rely on anyone for anything ever again. The one time in my life I relied on someone they left. It confirmed what I already believed to be true. Dependence was an overrated and hurtful position to be in. Something I was unwilling to to risk ever again.
So, here I am married for three years. I am in the middle of building a business and in the throws of the beginning stages. Guess what? I don’t make the amount of money I used to. It means that my husband provides. That’s terrifying for me. I have resented it. I have gone in to overdrive mode to try and quickly create more income so I would be less dependent on my husband. His response to my flurry has furthered my resolve to work harder and earn more. Yet, guess what again? I have made less!
Is it because I am a bad business person? Is it because I am unskilled at what I do? Is it because I am lazy? The answer to every single question is, no. I am living a beautiful purpose and God is opening many doors. I awake at 5:30a and am often on the go until 10p (like yesterday). I am genuinely excited about the life I lead. Yet, truthfully with a migraine once a week and exhaustion and weakness in my body I am unable to enjoy that which I love. The harder I work the less I gain. That to me is a losing proposition. So what am I to learn?
Surrender. The reality is that this has much less to do with my feelings toward making less money than my husband and much more to do with my fear of dependence on God. Money means security, it means freedom, it means worth. I have given God many areas of my life, money is not one I have readily handed over. I know this because I place value on money that should never be. And as much as I don’t want to admit that, it is the truth. Unfortunately, money is still an idol for me and until I let it go, it will never have it’s proper place. And I will never be successful.
So what does this have to do with independence? … everything. The biggest representation of money in my life is independence. It is the way that I ensure that I am never that young, innocent child dependent on people that hurt me, badly. It is my ticket to control and my ticket to freedom. The idea of putting that all in God’s hands doesn’t feel very good. I understand why I feel the way that I do. I understand why surrender in this area is so difficult for me. I also realize that I need God’s help to do it. I could never overcome this on my own.
And, I don’t want to be so tired anymore. I want to give my heart to people. I want to honor others and let go of this unhealthy connection because though it flashes freedom before my eyes it is a bondage straight from the pit of hell. In fighting for my independence I have nearly lost my health. I have decided to give in. I have decided to surrender. I cannot wait to see what God will do with this. I cannot wait to see what will unfold. It is a beautiful place to be. I am grateful for Him and I am grateful for my husband. He has taught me a lesson that is priceless.
