In it!

I’ve now been detoxing for almost 9 days. I’ve done so many cleanses you would think I could do this one in my sleep. It’s not the eating part that’s challenging for me, it’s what the detox has revealed about my character. It’s the emotional battles that I’ve encountered that have left me wondering if I’ve seriously done any healing work at all and if Jesus is really working in my life.

I’m a “why” person. Sometimes I think it drives my husband crazy. I’m always searching for the answer. The underlying cause of any given thing. It kind of drives me. Maybe it drives me crazy. 🙂 Searching for the “why” is what led me to become saved. It also led me to heal and to reveal the turbulence of my childhood. Without that quest I would most certainly be in a different place.

The challenge of digging things from down deep has also produced in me a gift of being able to see underneath in many different situations. I can often see what is below other people. What drives them. What caused certain responses. It’s something I prayed for a long time ago. I prayed for wisdom. And I continually pray for God’s wisdom in almost every circumstance. Especially if someone asks me for advice or input. I may have developed some gifts along my journey, yet they are only useful if I use them through God, not me. I’m not that smart.

This morning I didn’t feel gifted at all. I didn’t even feel like I wanted to face the day. Everything felt overwhelming and uncertain. I think that those times that I grabbed a cup of coffee and went to read my Bible may have circumvented some of the deeper issues that needed to surface. They have always been there, I just wasn’t willing to face them. A cup of coffee and a rush of the day seemed far better then being totally in my stuff.

Such as the depth of insecurity that arises within me at times. I mean to the point of just feeling down right ugly. Have you ever felt that way? It’s a terrible feeling. I find myself wanting to run around and fix myself so I don’t have to feel that way. Yet, amazingly, one prayer with a true surrender to God and that feeling was replaced by confidence and excitement. It was a true shift of the Creator not an avoidance of pain.

This morning it was financial. Feeling like how is it that I’m not making more money? I’ve always made money. And these bills feel overwhelming. I have a small financial issue that I need to talk to my husband about and everything in me doesn’t want to talk to him. I want to handle it, the last thing I want to do is ask for help. I want to be in control. So, once again a beautiful time with God, praying through agreements that I made as a young lady to not ever rely on anyone again and the issue went back to the small size that it had been before.

This seems to be new territory for me. Yet, I realized that I like being deep. I like searching and meeting God in places that are deep within my soul. It’s part of what makes me tick. I don’t know exactly where God will lead me through all this, yet all I know is that the visions He has placed within my heart are big indeed. Actually, huge. They are visions only accomplished through Him, for Him and because of Him. That is a beautiful place to be. What are your visions? What has God placed in your heart? I would love to hear.