I never imagined that a journey of forgiveness would take me to many places. Have so many peaks and valleys and be one of the deepest things I’ve ever learned and something I know so little about. At times it eludes me. I like to have a beginning and an end to any part of my journey. Preferably quickly. I don’t mind going in to the darkest of emotional trenches if I know that I can come out on the other side and never have to touch that particular trench again. Emotional journeys don’t work that way. They overlap, they sometimes open deeper waters with healing and they certainly don’t respond well to just pushing through.
Mothers Day was difficult for me. For one, I want children and right now I don’t have any of my own. I have 3 beautiful step children; however, they are all grown (over 18) and they don’t live with us. So I don’t get to see them very often. The next part was that I faced talking with my mom on Mothers Day and it was difficult.
I had reached a point last year where God had given me a level of forgiveness only possible with the Holy Spirit. I had not only forgiven my mom, I had wished her well. I had told her all the things I was grateful for from her. And it was wonderful. My mom didn’t have a big reaction, yet, it really didn’t matter. It was a release of my heart and I was elated after our conversation.
My mom and I used to be much closer. That was before I spoke out about the intense abuse in our home and made efforts to protect my niece. After that my mom didn’t want much to do with me. It was extremely painful. I knew it was right to tell the truth and protect children, yet, it hurt to lose my mom and have her so angry with me. It’s been that way for several years now. Our relationship is almost nonexistent, unless I make the effort. I thought that when God took me to that level of forgiveness I was moving forward in full acceptance.Yet, as the months went by, little things started to creep in.
My mom and my sister are very close and I would hear things here and there and that would hurt. I didn’t realize it at the time; however, I had put some expectations on my conversation with my mom. I thought we would be different after that. When we weren’t, I felt rejected yet I kept it all in. And here’s the kicker to all this. It has affected my relationships with women and my husband. I have wonderful women in my life, I mean the best. Yet, I struggle with expecting rejection. I struggle with distrust. I am quick to pull my heart away. I have to strive to stay connected. I don’t seem that way on the outside, yet inside, I want to protect myself.
So on Sunday I wrote a P.S. letter to my mom (for all you Grief Recovery people you know what this is). For those of you that aren’t, this is a letter that my mom will never read. I read it to my husband who stood in for my mom. He listened intently without judgment as I poured out my heart. I had no idea that I was holding on to so much. I didn’t realize that I’d been projecting so much pain on to my current life because I didn’t want to face that my mom doesn’t seem to want a relationship with me. At least not the one I’d like or the one we used to have. I also expressed all the beautiful qualities that my mom has, her beauty, humor and vision.
It helped me to realize that I need to keep expressing. Forgiveness can only be done with truthful expression. I needed to honor my heart and the pain I’m in so that I could express it and forgive. So that I could release. It also helped to see that forgiveness is not a destination. It is a journey. A walk. A way of life. It is a language of the heart that continues to speak and continues to express. It is essential to emotional health just as eating healthy is essential to physical health. It is not something to merely arrive to, it is something to become a student of. Instead of wanting it to be over, I learned that I want to learn it’s language. I want to learn to honor my heart in a way that is deeper. In a way that will help me to connect with God at a new level. Self honoring is the key to other honoring. That is the way I wish to live.
