I realize that even as I start to write about this it can be a challenging subject for many of us. The subject of forgiveness and letting go are difficult enough; however, adding God in to the equation causes many of to simply shut down. I was one of those that could not even fathom the idea that I (little tiny me) had any right to work out forgiveness with God. I mean we aren’t even supposed to question God, let alone forgive Him. How could a person possibly forgive the magnificent Creator who is actually perfect? Perfectly holy, perfectly righteous.
What I have learned in this journey with God is so the opposite of my preconceived notions about what it means to be in relationship with my adoring Father. What it means to have a true relationship, one that struggles to understand and fights for intimacy. It has not been a perfect rosy road paved with blessed understanding and contrived pleasantries. It has been a journey (and is still going) of coming to relationship with the One who is all knowing, all seeing, much higher and mysterious. And it is sitting in the mystery of God that I believe makes it uncomfortable for many of us.
When I first came in to relationship with God I had all the answers. Truly I did. We live in a fallen world and we have free will. The people that hurt me when I was a child chose evil. It was as simple as that. Until I started to get closer and realize how powerful God really is. The more I was exposed to His power, His mercy, His grace the more I began to wonder, “how could this God let those things happen to me as a child?” And that question began to burn brighter and brighter. I went to a class on intimacy with God, took a deep look at the Psalms and began to question Him. Not in the theological sense, more from the deep heart sense. I poured out my heart in anguish asking Him how He could have let those things happen to me. I shook my fist at Him in anger and I cried my heart out to Him in pain. And yes, I questioned… Him. Many, many times.
As I moved through life there were challenges. As astonished as I was to realize just how difficult this walk as a disciple could be, I took those feelings to God. And that was good. Yet, quite honestly, much of my anger and pain in the present was fueled by so many unanswered questions from the past. I had many people try and help me, they showed me Scriptures, they told me I shouldn’t question God and they told me to have faith. I believe these were some of the best intentioned people I have ever known, yet, it did not help my pain to subside.
And then, I got certified to teach Grief Recovery. And I worked on my relationship with God. I worked on it as a relationship. It taught me something that changed my entire walk as a disciple. I forgave God. Not in the sense of “Hey you did something wrong so I need to let you off the hook”. Quite honestly, I don’t have the power to let anyone off the hook, not my husband, not my brother or sister, not my parents, not anyone. I realize that only God can forgive sin (and oh how I have needed His forgiveness of my sin). However, there is forgiveness in the sense of “I am not going to hold this bitterness anymore” I choose to let this go so I can be free. It is the letting go of resentment. It is the word that brings us back in to relationship.
In working through this I realized that by holding on to my anger I was refusing to step deeper in to relationship with God. So I looked at all the things that I was angry about and I spoke life by saying God, I forgive you for these things. One by one. I knew exactly what I was expressing. I was saying I forgive (let go) of the hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment. The Bible says that Gods thoughts and ways are much higher than ours. And that is so true. I am very grateful for the Scripture because it gave me the freedom to forgive that which I could not understand. I will never fully understand it all on this side of heaven.
And what happened from that (along with working through my belief systems about God), was that I moved closer to Him. I was able to see just how protected I really was. It was amazing how much more deeply in love I was able to fall with God by having the courage to forgive those things. It meant they weren’t in my heart any more. There have been times since when I have gone through struggles, and I’m walking on my mountain top praying and working through forgiveness, and I will hear God say “you haven’t forgiven me yet”. So I do. I say the words and release the division between us so that I can be closer to the One I adore.
One day I will understand more than I do now. Yet, the understanding and peace that forgiveness in this way, with this definition and with this intention has brought me is nothing short of a miracle. I am grateful that God has lead me here. To be with Him. And allowed me to work things out so that my trust in Him is honest and truthful. I praise Him and give Him all the glory!
