The other day I was praying and I asked God to search my heart and share with me what was getting in the way of me living out my purpose. I don’t always like praying that “search my heart” prayer because you never know what you are going to get. Yet, as soon as I asked I heard one audible word whispered repeatedly in my ear. The word was …. doubt. It was not a surprise. I doubt so much that it just feels normal. Yet, as the days passed that same word came up over and over again… doubt.
So, I started to explore. I prayed to release the evil spirit of doubt and I even went back to some childhood memories, invited Jesus in and received some amazing healing from my Lord. Yet, once again this morning while praying that word entered my mind again… doubt. As I continued to pray, things surfaced that help me to understand just how deep this doubt goes with me.
Many of you know that when I was young I grew up in an abusive environment. It was the kind of abuse that could erupt at any time. I just never knew whether it was going to be calm or stormy. And just because it was calm didn’t mean it would stay that way. It was downright scary. Yet, there was another kind of abuse that happened in my home. The person that wasn’t scary or abusive turned the other way. They pretended as if nothing was happening. It was complete denial of the bad things that were going on.
The abuse was very damaging and the denial to me was equally as damaging. It taught me not to trust myself. It taught me to doubt the very circumstances that were hurting me and to move on as though nothing were happening. And that’s when doubt became more than just something to teach me not to trust me or others. It became the way that I coped.
By doubting that anything was happening, I didn’t have to feel the emotional pain that I was really feeling. I understand why it was so helpful back then, it was really all I had. Yet, as an adult this doubt doesn’t serve me anymore and honestly, it comes up all the time. I tend to doubt myself in almost everything. I doubt that I deserve to earn money, I doubt that my voice matters, I doubt decisions that I make, I doubt that people are interested in me, I doubt that I will make any impact, I doubt that my needs matter, I doubt that I have what it takes and I doubt that God is working in my life. Even though I know the truth in every single statement above, I still feel doubtful almost every day. To the degree that it stops me from moving forward the way that I know I am supposed to.
It’s almost hard to explain. It’s not just that I have doubts. It’s that doubt has become a part of my personality. It’s really integrated. Like the companion to fear. With the number of miracles that I’ve experienced in my life I am the last person that should struggle with doubt. Yet, hearing in prayer this morning helped me to realize that I have another part of myself to die to. And I am so grateful to know that because I think I would have just kept struggling with myself and pushed through. That’s really tiring.
Knowing this means I can now engage with the Holy Spirit to actually die (well this part anyway). And that’s really good news. Seeing this has helped me to see that many of us struggle with doubt. That’s normal. Yet, to have doubt be a part of who I am, well that’s just crippling. I am excited to move forward without it. Even though I won’t quite know who I am anymore.
What is God showing you that you need to die to?
