Today I had another encounter on my hike on the hill. I love those times, though quite honestly this past week I’ve had a couple of days where I really didn’t want to go. I had to push myself to get in the car, drive the 5 minutes and begin the hike. It’s not the physical activity that detoured me, it’s that this hike is a time where I connect with God and I really didn’t want to.
Today, I got to understand the why behind my reluctance to connect. It’s something I’ve been through many times. The struggle of a blocked memory finding its way to the surface and becoming part of my conscious existence. Memory is crazy. Well truly the human mind is crazy, at least mine is. I’m astounded at the power of the mind.
It usually starts with a trigger. Something in the present triggers something from the past. Except I’m not fully aware of what is happening. And then I have an over reaction. Yet, the biggest indicator is that once I’ve worked through the problem of the present (such as an argument with my husband) I still feel terribly anxious. This week my stomach was so affected I had to sleep sitting up for 3 nights. The joy that I usually feel in the morning was replaced with heaviness and I found myself wanting to disconnect.
I’ve been through this countless times, yet it still throws me. The memory was of a family member who molested me when I was very young. At that time, I got a really bad stomach ache. So much so, that my parents took me to the doctor late at night. I had pushed it out of my head (as I’ve done with so many traumatic memories) and this week it finally surfaced. And with it the same stomach issues. Trauma really does go in to the body.
As per usual, I fought the memory for a few days because I really didn’t want it to be true. It amazes me how much information is out there about people coming up with false memories and how you can’t trust these type of memories. Let me tell you from experience, I wish that this memory were not true. I would much rather go back to denial then face the pain, rage and helplessness that accompanies the entire experience. Not to mention the feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. It’s like a different filter comes over me and I see the world through the eyes of a traumatized child. Everything looks scary.
Yet, today I sit on the other side. The tools of Grief Recovery have been a life saver for me. I can now process as an adult what I was unable to process as a child. The second and biggest life saver is Jesus. This morning I was able to walk through the event with Jesus and receive the kind of supernatural healing that only He can give. It was amazing. The beauty is that now that trauma no longer has a hold on me. It can no longer hurt me. What people meant for harm has now been turned to good. That’s worth living for right there.
