Self Condemnation

Self condemnation has no place in a present life lived in congruency and success with God as the driving force. Self condemnation is one of my biggest struggles. It is as though the negative words of my dad play tapes that tell me I will never be enough. Those words have morphed from his voice to mine, have changed from his words to words that communicate with me in the moment. They are lies, they are evil and they are not useful.

The Bible says that the tongue has the power of life and death. It’s amazing if you think about it. I think the easiest person for me to speak death to is myself. I can do it in small ways. A small insidious inner voice that says things to me, that corrects my behavior, that tells me not to think too much of myself. It is the opposite of grace. It is the opposite of love.

What I have noticed is that when I started with my inner healing journey, it was a lot of discovery (things I hadn’t allowed myself to see or face) and a great deal of emotional expression. As I continued with my grief work it was then about the stories I made up. What beliefs did I form about me, others and God as a result of these events in my life? What did I internalize? How do I move into a relationship with God to uproot these inner false beliefs and instill new ones. It’s like a continual upgrade to my operating system.

Though emotional healing and belief systems are a continual work in progress, I am realizing that I also have trained negative thought patterns that I go to. These thought patterns also have to be rooted out and replaced with new ones. So just as unresolved grief can fuel negative thoughts, negative thinking patterns can evoke feelings and expectations that I don’t need to sit in. I find this much easier to do as a result of doing grief work.

It can all seem like so much. Yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love the way my life has changed. I love that God continues to love me and speak to me in new ways. I love growing with Him. I love taking that step to do my part and seeing the magic of God doing His in ways I cannot even begin to understand. God’s ways are so contrary to the image of condemnation and punishment that I can hold in my heart. When I step in to trying to be perfect, I miss all that. I miss the message of the Cross. I miss the delight of being in relationship with my Father. That is something I don’t want to miss.