Don’t You Dare Give Up!

I love the feeling of connection. Being connected to God, me and others in the present is one of the best feelings I have ever experienced. It wasn’t always like this. A good portion of my life was spent so disconnected that I felt like I was watching myself on a movie screen. It was as if my life was happening and I was sitting back as a spectator. I often found myself in a room full of people and yet I was lonely. I was constantly focused on the future and full of anxiety.

It is a miracle of God that I am able to now live in the present. However imperfectly it is a tremendous gift. There were so many times that I wanted to give up. I wanted to quit the healing process because honestly, it felt too hard. I would make headway and then those old beliefs would kick up and I would feel completely worthless. It would be difficult to get out of bed or even call someone back. I would wake up every morning in a state of extreme condemnation. Any mistakes from the previous day would run loudly through my head telling me what a horrible person I was. I would cry nearly every morning. Then after reading and praying I would feel better. Yet, throughout the day I would often be bombarded with those negative thoughts. I was good at “pulling it together” so that people I interacted with didn’t know what a struggle my days really were. That just wore me out.

I’m very grateful that I didn’t give up. I’m grateful that God didn’t give up on me either. I certainly haven’t “arrived”, yet I can honestly say that many days I take in the moments and feel grateful. Perhaps living so disconnected has given me a special appreciation for the gift of the moment. The beauty of nature, the beauty of people, the wonder of my husband, and how precious my little dogs are to me. I am still on the journey, I’m just starting to enjoy it more. I’m less tired.

I wanted to write this today to anyone who can relate to my story. The feeling that life is disconnected, overwhelming and even hopeless. Where hopes and dreams feel so far from your grasp. Where others perhaps cannot understand that just getting out of bed and functioning was almost more than you could handle today. I wanted to write this because I want you to know that it is possible. I was one of the disconnected, shut down, angry, overwhelmed and hopeless people. I felt like no one understood and that was very painful because it drove me to isolate more and show a “good face” to those around me. Yet, inside, I was in torment. I want you to know that a life of freedom is not only possible, it is possible FOR YOU. If I can be here, anyone can. YOU MATTER. You are needed, you are loved and please don’t ever give up. God and the world are waiting for you.