Overwhelming Responsibility

One of the things that I have wrestled with a great deal is responsibility. I often don’t know where I stop and others begin. What is my responsibility, what is not. What is from God, what have I created? It has been a journey of many lessons over many years.

When I first became a Christian I didn’t even know what a boundary was. I remember someone telling me about the book boundaries and thinking to myself “what is a boundary”? I read the book and it was as if someone opened my eyes to an entire new reality that I had known nothing about. My childhood had instilled in me that I was to be about others at all costs. To people please, to feel the feelings of others, to enable and to lose myself to the point that I had no idea what I was feeling was a daily experience for me. I am grateful for the gift of empathy; however, my childhood had twisted that to the point that I was constantly anticipating and taking responsibility for the way others felt. I would rather hide my own feelings and desires than face the horror of letting someone down or causing them pain.

And so the process of boundaries and personal responsibility had begun.What I realized as I took my crash course in all of this is that I also placed unrealistic expectations on others. If I learned that I was responsible for the way others felt than they must be responsible for me too. It was refreshing to realize that I neither owned them nor did they own me. I also realized how stressed out I had been trying to please everyone around me. It was an impossible task driven by the fear of losing love. I had my worth wrapped up in approval so people pleasing was a way to feel better about myself. As a child, I also learned that if people weren’t happy with me then I would get abused. Again, I was driven overtime to please and take responsibility for their feelings. It gave me some sense of control.

The biggest lesson for me was how damaging this can be. Not just for me, also for the people that I looked to gain approval from. If I was seeking approval, I wasn’t being honest. If I was enabling someone I was hurting them. And though I have tremendous compassion on my motives, I realized that as an adult this had to change in order for me to be the person that I wanted to be. Comfortable in my own skin and driven by a true desire to love.

I am far from the mastery of this. There are people that trigger parental authority and I find myself shrinking back and seeking approval. These are the times when though I fall, I land at the feet of the only One who can help me to overcome these deeply entrenched beliefs.  God does not want me wrapped up in the confusion and burden of trying to please someone by being responsible for their feelings. He is a jealous God (in a good way) and He wants my focus on Him. The cool part is that when I do focus on Him and the truth about who I am and how valuable I am to Him, the desire to please others for motives of approval falls away. Through His constant pursuit and deep love He is breaking the chains of approval addiction in my heart. It is a freedom worth fighting for.